XIV: The Perfect Thing

Why do I always think of the perfect thing to say when it’s too late?

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XIII: Promising Promises

When I wrote my feelings
on the walls and ceilings
like they’re drugs I’m dealing

and you just walked away

is it wrong to expect something back
now that everything has been said and done
can you tell me where I stand?

let me just speak for the record
even your eyes, they betray you
you can spare me the lecture

do I need to remind you that I’m only
hanging by a string
I close my eyes and spin

I was giving you everything I had to give
wasn’t it enough?
all those promising promises were on your lips

but now they’re gone

are you happy with what you’ve become?
I keep making you look,
but you don’t see it

you had a heart just like mine
but now it’s cold as ice
I won’t get over it this time

I’m ready to move either towards or away
but we can make it before the storm
just let your pride out the door

but you wouldn’t give it up

18 Things We Should Have Been Taught As Teenagers

This is perfect.

Thought Catalog

1. Hard work will not always equate to success. You can put up a good fight and still lose. There are just some things that, for whatever reason, we have to carry with us.

2. There will probably come a day when you want to study something that has (seemingly) no future benefit. Study it anyway. There will probably come a day when you want to be with someone who you know won’t last forever. Love them anyway. There will probably come a day when you want to leave something, or someone, and instead of looking for a reason, you should let that wanting be enough. Go anyway.

3. You shouldn’t ever assume to know the truth about someone. Addiction doesn’t always look like a drug-addled homeless person on the street, mental illness isn’t always apparent, pain does not always read across a person’s demeanor. Don’t judge people on the…

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XII: Conversations

Let it Go

Conversations are awesome. No matter how weird it might seem, it’s obvious that people enjoy listening: listening to other people talk, to other people sing, and basically to other people living their lives. Quite the same as talking.

People who read would understand. Every beautiful set of words that depicts a picturesque setting or a colourful feeling matters, of course, but the dialogue can hold its own weight even if it’s short or long. It’s the discourse that shapes relationships, leaves the dents, and heals the cracks that altogether makes the story whole.

So I’ve piled up a few conversations; mostly related to shit like love and stuff. Some of them from my write-ups that’s scribbled all over the deep behind of my College notes, and some from my unheard-of works stranded in both wooden libraries and electronic ones, apparently collecting mildew. Melodramatic conversations, happy conversations — you name it.

________________________

“That’s kind of not how it goes. It’s not his fault that he’s not you.”
“That’s the first mean thing you said that I like.”

(Behind my CHEM2 Notebook [2011, I think?])

____________

“Hey, Is this a good concept?”
“Seems desolate. Not really your thing.”

(SHORT: The Painter [2009])

________________________

“Joan, you’re a girl… right?”
“I am? That’s odd.  I have no idea when that happened.”

(WRITE-UPS: Project Bebes [2012])

____________

“Sooo… what would you do if someone told you that they loved you?”
“Depends on what kind of love we’re talking about. “

“The kind between… Well, pretend you’re a woman and—”
I am a woman.

“That’s not what I meant. Pretend you’re another woman.”
“I need context. Do I love them back or did this come up out of nowhere?”

“I don’t know if you love them back. Maybe you do, I don’t know.”

(WRITE-UPS: Project Bebes, 2012)

________________________

“How do I look?”
“Does the word ‘dork’ mean anything to you?”

“What?”

(Behind my NCM101 Notebook [2009])

____________

“Okay! Okay! So we were kissing. Is that such a bad thing? I mean, we’re both consenting adults and I’ve been waiting for this for a long time and — Whoa… whoa… whoa! You two! You two were kissing!”
“…we were?”

(INC: Songs I wish you sang for me [2013/4])

________________________

“As much as I would hate to admit it… But… I’ve never really had a chance to date someone. Or anyone.”
“Well, then here’s step one. Do you want to go out with me?”

(If only I could tell you, I would let you know [2010])

____________

“Why? Is love reserved?”
“…”

“You can give love to anyone.”
“Are you trying to tell me that I’m in love with Cody?”

“No, but if that’s what you think, then —”
“I love him because he’s the only friend that I’ve ever had and I wouldn’t want that to change.”

“If that’s the case, then I have a chance.”

(Hold on [2009])

________________________

“Look, it’s never going to be perfect. You just have to live with it, and learn to like all the flaws. I want to do whatever it takes to make this work because I love you… with all the geekiness that comes with it.”

(SHORT: The King and The Geek [2013?], Behind my Pharma mock-test thingy book)

____________

“Are you sure this is the right time to talk about this? You’re…”
“Try not to be bothered.”

“Then what should I say?”
“Say that you… like me, too?”

“For one, you make me feel good. Does that count?”
“What do you mean?”

“When I’m with you, I feel this odd force pulling me towards you. It’s a bit sickening, in a good way. Is there a good side on that word? I don’t know… What am I saying? Okay, I’m rambling, aren’t I?”
“Does that mean that you…?”

“I don’t know. What do you think? I really want things to work… maybe for us — maybe for everyone. Between the ophii and our impending doom, the only thing I care about is losing more people that are close to me — and I know that you’re one of those people.”
“So… you…”

“I just don’t want it to end. My life — your life… and maybe this thing between us, too. I don’t know. But if you don’t feel the same way…”
“Don’t put your words into my mouth.”

“So what are you thinking?”
“What I think? I don’t even have time to think. All I want to do is this.”

“This?”
“This.”

(INC: Asunder, 2013)

________________________

Okay, if I wasn’t too lazy, this would be longer, but I honestly think this is ALREADY too long. Haha! I’ll leave the last one to your sense of wonder.

Oh dear no

XI: Tell me

Tell me
is it yes or no
don’t sugar-coat where I fit in

Inside you there’s a room with a door,
I finally come knocking
and I’ve been here before

I’ve got this love for you
but what is if for
if you can’t hear me?

I’ll make it easy,
I’m counting to three,
am I something you want or someone you need?

X: Singing words

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

We’ve all got
one life to live.

Probably something you’ve heard around for quite a while.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Trying hard to be myself and stay composed.

Truth is, you’re just not looking.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

But when your eyes look at me, it’s harder than you think.

Partly true, partly for survival.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

There comes a day when it comes to the worst, dancing around the fire.

Everyone has those days.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

The funny thing about lies is:
they’re only lies.

Go ahead and say the things you want to say.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

The funny thing about hearts is:
they tend to break easy.

You know, you’re only throwing empty words my way.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

The funny thing about healing is:
I’m alright.

Bring it.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

The funny thing about listening is:
I don’t have to hear you.

Not everybody needs your approval. In fact, no one might even need yours.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

So take it away if it isn’t meant for me. I don’t want the easy way.

I just want you.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

They can give me everything, but at the end of the day…

The only words I’ll say is “I just want you.”

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Give it all back because they don’t mean a thing.
You got a short-lived life and a song to sing.

The only way up is believing in never looking down.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

How many hearts do you have to break to get what you really want?

You just have to stop lying to yourself.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Get burned if that’s what it takes to learn from my mistakes.

Rest in peace, skin cells.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

IX: A Fool

Another shot of whiskey please bartender,
keep it coming until I don’t remember
how bad it would hurt when you’re gone

Turn the music up a little bit louder
just gotta get past the midnight hour
maybe tomorrow it won’t be this hard

But who am I kidding?
I know what I’m missing

I had my heart set on you
But nothing else hurts like you do
Who knew that love was so cruel

And I waited and waited so long
For someone who will never come home
It’s my fault to think you’ll be true

I’m just a fool

VIII: Leave you alone

– modified reprise –

I’ve never been the one
for saying the right things
and I messed up again without even trying

I’ll tell you what I’m going to do
to make it up to you tonight
I’m going to leave you alone

Because I don’t know
any other way to try to make it right
because the only thing this
stubborn heart knows how to do is fight

— fight for what I think is right
so I’ll grab my coat
and see you tomorrow

I need you to know
that I don’t want to go
and that leaving this wrong
is the last thing I want

But I’ve tried all I could
and I think I had said all I should
I guess I can’t stand the fight
so I’ll leave you alone tonight

VII: Digging old stuff

Let’s just say whenever a new year starts, you should avoid digging your old stuff.

Even 2013 stuff. (Which was just, literally, 3 days ago.)

Especially your 2013 write ups in your planner — which had tragically made me feel like I failed at half of my plans last year.

Because seeing yourself writing lame four-verses every week is just a perverse way of proving to yourself that you’re weird.

Okay, well, the second one were five lines, but hey… it’s close.

_________________________

January 13th – January 19th

The bitterness festers,
like a month-old wound,
unfamiliar to pain,
but remains a reminder.

January 20th – January 26th

Truths be started, soon be ended
something beautiful, soon be dull
voices fade, swallowed by the noise
blossom quickly, wither slowly
like a rose in the snow.

February 10th – February 16th

And if it can’t be love that you feel,
you just go crazy and look for something,
like a way to make it stop,
but in the end, you can’t find anything.

February 25th – March 2nd

Dear you. Yes you.
Stop forgetting to write
the damn yearbook story.
Seriously.

March 17th – March 23rd

You should have asked her
to buy you a PS Vita.
What is wrong with you?
That’s it, you’re retarded.

March 24th – March 30th

Focus. Review.
You are in the precipice of change.
You have the… POWER!
LOL NOPE KIDDING, YOU DON’T.

April 21st – April 27th

I’m amazed by how well you’re REVIEWING.
Stop staring at the text.
Stop torturing yourself and go to bed.
Pretending to study is harder than studying itself.

June 16th – June 22nd

Carl Balita is lying to you.
Carl Balita is lying to you.
The results are not on the 28th.
Carl Balita is lying to you.

June 23rd – June 29th

Carl Balita is not Nostradamus.
Amen.
I have no idea
if I’m more frustrated than depressed.

August 18th – August 24th

I’m not a doormat.
I’m not a doormat.
I’m not a doormat.
Wait. Are there doormats with arms?

October 6th – October 12th

I don’t know.
I think I heard my cat talking to me.
In human words.
Shit. Help.

October 20th – October 26th

AAAAAND IIIIIIIIIIIIII
WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU
OOOOOOH IIIIIII
WILL ALWAYS… that’s it, I’m done.

November 17th – November 23rd

So I was thinking… what if nurses could see
the soul of a patient in a coma?
Shit’s going to be awesome!
And I’ll probably shit my pants.

December 15th – December 21st

This is boss. Like really… really boss.
Graham balls are awesome.
Must learn how to make Graham balls.
Graham balls. Graham balls. *singsong*

December 22nd – 28th

Before you went to walk, I went to run
because the answers are coming in one by one
when a train comes in, the doors open I get in…
last night I had a pleasant nightmare.

_________________________

But I guess it’s about time I forgive myself for doing this… to myself.
I dunno if this will stop happening though.
Maybe it should be five lines.
Or six.
Or seven.
Or never.

Let’s just see how the year plays out.

So if you’re happy and you know it clap your…

Found somewhere in Tumblr, around late 2013. Credits to whoever owns this, because I absolutely have no idea.
Found somewhere in Tumblr, around late 2013. Credits to whoever owns this, because I absolutely have no idea.

Just kidding. Have a great day!

VI: In your hands

(Reprised to fit commonplace theatricality.)

Stay with me,
let me know you’ll never leave
you don’t have to be alone,take my heart and let it be your own

I can’t promise I’ll be waiting
if your mind might be changing
don’t let this opportunity just linger

Take my hand,
because together we can stay
I’m on my way with both wings out stretched

Come with me because I know you’ll regret it,
you’ll never forget just how good we had it
so baby don’t you let this go

You better start believing
why live your life wondering
when you can have the whole world in your hands

So much love inside these arms, but tomorrow it could be gone
and I can see our future in your eyes
trust your heart and ease your mind

So don’t you worry, I’m not too much
because I love you — hush!
what matters in the end is we’ve got love and understanding

If you’re having second-thoughts, I would understand
because sometimes it’s too much, too soon
and we don’t even have a plan

But all I know is that what you feel for me is true,
so no matter what you choose to do,
it will always be me and you